October 20, 2021
Michael is gone.
Out of my life.
After the exhibit he showered me with love and attention. Almost as if he felt guilty for not attending, and for lying about it.
I went with the flow at first.
Later I just felt like it was all fake. For nothing.
So, I confronted him about it. He dogged it.
He is not the confrontational type. I remember my father was not the confrontational type either.
I also remember my father was very manipulative and secretive with others.
Don’t get me wrong, he was a good man, I think.
So; here is what happened:
Late September I went to a new bar in downtown Windenburg. Alone. I just wanted to get away from my life.
Exhibits, and glory as far as my career goes.
Pain and disappointment in my personal life.
Then, at the bar, I saw Matthew.
He was on stage playing guitar. I never knew that side of him. I never knew much about him really.
And that is what got me thinking about Michael and I.
How I didn’t know anything about him.
We had been dating for five months and I just realized, that day, that I had no knowledge of Michael’s life before me.
All thanks to Matthew.
Naturally I was devastated. I had to talk to Michael and find out why we were so distant when we had been so close. Or so I thought we had.
The next day, I went to see him at his apartment.
We talked. I asked him why had we become so distant, but he pretended I was crazy to think that way.
He was acting aloof.
He has been acting that way for a while now.
In the end, the conversation didn’t go anywhere.
So I left feeling more insecure than I had when I walked in.
We didn’t see each other for three days. THREE DAYS.
That is a lot considering we used to be together ALWAYS.
The truth is, it was all a front.
Michael was just dragging the inevitable moment in which I caught him with another girl. So cliche. I know!
The worst part is not even that.
The girl was no other, than Cindy.
OCTOBER 28, 2021
I saw Michael at the GYM. He asked to talk. He seemed apologetic. Of course.
I told him I didn’t need an explanation. It was very clear.
We made out.
One thing led to another.
I’m so screwed.
OCTOBER 30, 2021
Dear pages of this journal,
I feel so ashamed. I only come here when I’m in absolute and utter loss of hope anymore.
What can I say? I was never very good at writing my story. But I understand, in order to form my legacy I must leave a form of log or detail account of my life.
Last night I was in the GYM’s closet with Michael… tonight I was having a good time with Matthew.
Yes. MATTHEW. I KNOW!
Details. That word is pretty imposing. As if describing what I had for lunch and how many times I used the bathroom weren’t accurate details of a day.
We get selective with the details we want to share. I just want to tell you what is in my heart.
P.S. Matthew and I hung out like old times.
I put him up to date with my life, and he told me a bit more about what he is doing now. It was a good night. Tonight was a good night.