November 21, 2020
It has been 8 months since I last wrote on these pages. Forgive me dear journal, but I have been busy falling deeply in-love… and out.
For a quick recap I have to say after the last time I came here to journal about my life, Mathew and I had made peace and become friends.
I was the happiest person. Not because a man was in my life, or because I had someone to go places with, and was not living like a homeless person anymore… but because I had companionship, and that companionship was Mathew. The person I wanted to be with.
Its absolute fun when you spend your time with whom you want to spend it with. 100%.
What’s not fun is when your friend, the person that is supposed to trust you and make you feel safe, actually leaves you like nothing that ever happened between the two of you was ever real.
Mathew seduced me. Then he threw me away.
That’s how I look at it.
It all started that morning on March 13.
when we went to the city and he told me I was pretty.
That was the first time Mathew had ever flirt with me. I couldn’t believe it. But it felt better than anything I had experienced in life till that point.
We also got into the habit of going to the GYM together. Of course, I never told him what I was really doing at the GYM before I ever went with him.
Have you ever seen a person look handsome when they are lifting weight? Because Mathew does.
My birthday was at the end of March, the 26;
and he made it a priority to come see me and celebrate it with me… even though I technically don’t have a roof… or door… or walls. Just my bed for sitting place.
During late spring we went clubbing a lot.
I made a new friend.
Her name is Cindy
But I quickly learned she was not really my friend because she liked ME, but because she liked Matt.
We stopped hanging out when I told her I was not playing matchmaker. Still… they dated for a couple of months.
Later in the summer I got a job as a bartender at the Skylights Bar.
I was still jealous of Cindy and Matt, and the minute I heard he was single again…
I took action. Surprisingly Matt didn’t get upset.
In fact we continued to hang out. Still as friends. We never spoke about “The Kiss”
It was not until early September when we went for drinks at The Lounge…
where btw, I have to pause to inform you dear journal
that I learned to play the guitar and make decent money out of that – well, it was not until then that things started to be different.
There were moments Matt seemed upset… almost angry… but then he would change his mind and act like nothing bothered him.
And of course, there was Cindy… she kept stalking him. EVERYWHERE… okay so did I. ONCE.
But… it sucks.
The last time I saw Matt we were at The Island
DJ MARIO was playing. Cindy was there too… STALKER!!!
I usually kept my distance from Matt when dancing… didn’t want him to think I was asking for his attention.
That day it was HIM
He asked for MY attention
He came to ME
He hugged ME.
He made me feel special.
At night we stayed behind after everyone had left The Island and stripped naked in the pond.
Nothing happened beyond that.
Okay we did kiss. But it was all.
Okay… so there was more, but is too R rated for you, dear pages of this journal.
I do must clarify… I’m still a virgin.
That was the last time I saw Matthew.
It’s been 2 months.
November 22, 2020
I went fishing in the pond behind my lot. It was boring. I caught a bunch fish. There will be food in the fridge for a while…. if it doesn’t break… Oh yeah I found one of those in the scrap yard.
December 3, 2020
Today I just want to come here and say how much it hurts to be alone again.
At least I’m not stealing leftovers from tables, and “forgotten” clothes from closets.
I will come back again… I promise it won’t be a Journal about Matthew… or any other men… it will be all about ME. Hasn’t it been?